|Diary of a Chinese High Boy - archived
||[Oct. 11th, 2005|06:29 pm]
This is Google's current archive of "Diary of a Chinese High Boy" and since it's projected to disappear sometime in the future, I am archiving it here. As far as I know, everything is here.|
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Today while wandering around school with Xiao Ming, I saw a poster.
"Talk on Personal Grooming and Hygiene"
I ask Xiao Ming, "What is grooming and hygiene?" He shrug his shoulders and giggle. So we decide to go find out.
So we went to the lecture theater and awaited the speaker. I notice healthy crowd there, all waiting for talk to begin.
But then when speaker come in, he turns out to be Westerner! Imagine that! Filthy Westerner going to teach chinese high boy how to groom! Might as well tell me how to suck my eggs! He begin, "Do you know that with good grooming and hygiene you can attract many girls?"
What nonsense! As if matchmaking has choice. But the moment he say this, the entire LT become buzzing with chatter. Everyone very excited. Almost like they announce next day public execution like that. Xiao Ming face suddenly break out big big smile, lean forward eagerly. Maybe he wear his shorts too tight. It happens, you know.
So the stupid Westerner then went on to say, "Bathing once a day makes you smell good and clean." Immediately I inside my head curse his ancestors private parts turn flakey and drop off. Bathe once a day??? Who ever heard of such nonsense! He make it sound like bathing so easy. Not easy! Must find 3 other people to shower with to save water, and that is very hard!
But that stupid Xiao Ming nod his head, as if he agreed! I suddenly realsie he is very dirty, so I try to sit further away from him. I just took a bath last week and am still quite clean.
The more I listen the more incredulous I become. He go on to talk about shaving, deoderant, cleaning ear and washing hands. I am very glad we do not have these practices here in Chinese High! If we did, we would all become wussy! We are men!
I was so angry I storm out. I will show that speaker who is boss! Tomorrow I will use my own methods to woo women, and then we see who sucks whose eggs!
Cha Ni Gao shaved his legs @3:19 PM
I am beginning to like this place very very much, everyone is so friendly here!
Like today, I wore my shorts as usual and walked around. Because it was a hot day, I decided to wear my shorts higher so my legs will get more air. So I pull them up to my chest.
I pass this one boy, he look at me and say, "Homo?" which is a dialect for saying "How are you?" I say, "Yes, fine, you too?" Then he smiled at me very funnily. I walked off, but he was staring at my buttocks. Maybe he like the modifications I did to my shorts. Ha ha!
The only ruining of today was that we started with English Literature. What a lousy waste of time! Who in the name of the ancestors wants to learn about old dead people who died long long time ago? Might as well learn about Deng Xiaoping, or Li Bai, or even better, Chairman Mao! And then we read twelfth night, got all this girl dress as guy guy dress as girl nonsense! What lousy decadent Western culture!
I say ah, we should study Chinese culture, like the story of Hua Mulan. At least it will not have all the stupid crossdressing and what not Western values! Grrrrrr.
Come to think of it, I did see that boy who I bumped into (really) this morning following me. His eyes very dreamy, like imagining something.
Good to know people are dreaming about the Glorious Revolution!
Cha Ni Gao shaved his legs @1:58 PM
Friday, October 07, 2005
Today woke up early, realised that i had fallen asleep wearing khaki shorts! No wonder I felt so numb over there! Ha ha! But then I realised I have nasty nosebleed! So I quickly look for tissue paper. But there is none. So I use sanitary napkins instead. After all, napkins are tissue right?
So I dab dab dab until the napkin is dirty, then walk out of Boarding House to the building. I say hi to everyone I meet, they all stare at my napkin. Maybe they also have nose bleed. I try to offer one boy a napkin, but he laugh at me. The bastard!!! He said, not now, maybe next period. Then he laugh. He is so unfunny!
Chemistry lesson today, we get to use big bunsen burners! But I accidentily knock mine over my friend and his shorts caught fire! So I pour ethanol to extinguish, but to no avail. So I start laughing. I say "He must be lying! So his pants on fire!" Ha ha! Then teacher scold me and forbid me from taking part in song session today. The bastard!!!
So to apologise I buy him a new pair of shorts. I go to book shop and ask the lady there. She say, do you want XXS, XS or S? I hear many people in this country enjoy wearing small tight form fitting, so I do him a favour and buy XXS.
I also notice he sneezes a lot, so I put a few napkins in the shorts for him.
Cha Ni Gao shaved his legs @8:35 PM
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Second big day in school! Yesterday, I learn that since no one shaves I don't need to shave my legs either! Or bathe for that matter! Horrary for manly ruggedness!
Today we finally get to use big swimming complex! This is the second happiest day of my life, ever since the farmers caught Da Ge for stealing their hens and burned him alive! Ha ha!
The swimming pool complex is very big, and the changing rooms are even bigger. I am shy of other boys, so I change in cubicle. They call me "pansy" which I think is a referrence to my pants. I say "thank you, you want?". Then they laugh at me.
Maybe they saw my hairless legs.
I realise when I wear my trunks that I accidently brought underwear instead of trunks! But luckily no one notice.
The water is so cold! But after flexing my muscles a bit it become alright. We swum laps as test, before playing water catching. Actually, I don't know why they have to grab my briefs when playing catching, but maybe it is part of rules. I also don't know why they insist on snapping my briefs every now and then, but I am no spoilsport!
We then don fetching Red PE shorts and go running! I am very good runner! Very fast!
After that, we return to classroom to do Economics! The shifu today is very animated, maybe his porridge today have something special. We learn about merits of command economy, and why those filthy capitalist dogs have no money! Power to the people, I say!
Chairman mao is ROCK!!!!
Cha Ni Gao shaved his legs @8:58 PM
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Today is my first day in the new school. At first, I am very scared. I hear that we have to wear shorts, and then I was afraid of other boys leg hair. I thought I may stand out. So I quickly shave it all off before going to school. I clogged up the toliet, but now at least my legs, they are very clean.
I go to school and realise, tian ah, no one else bother to shave! Disgusting! We pick up standard issue shorts and shirt, before listening to principal address. He talk about importance of shaving legs, especially in this hot climate. I listen and listen, but don't understand. Eventually very bored. So I check out other boys leg hair. Ha ha!
After address, we all don new uniform. I must say, very airy. Very liberal in the movement! I am very proud! I try goosestepping, but find out pants dimensions do not allow movements of more than 10 degrees. Will modify them at home. I see my other classmates, they also wear very nice! I am so proud to be here!
Then we go for very first lesson, I am so eager to meet the Shi Fu! He came in and said. "Let me teach you about filthy capitalist pigs..." I listen very well, take notes. I think America is rubbish! They and their bullying tactics! All the provinces of China oppose America! Even Taiwan!
Then after he leave, I have chance to mix with new commardes. I meet Zong Gua, he is 1.77m tall and don shorts very elegantly. I say, "How do you like school?" He reply. "I cannot feel my legs!"
He is just very weird.
Then I go out to walk on campus, but what do I see? Girls! Filthy girls! And their hair is so untidy, they never don qi pao, and worse of all. THEY NEVER BIND THEIR FEET. I wanted to call curses of ancestors down upon them!
Then I learn, really there is a college next door, where girls are now permitted education. Horrible! I vow to report them to higher authority! That is, after song session.
Song session very fun. It is not like the Guo Chang Ge, but it is almost just as good! They have a marching band here, but they are permitted modified shorts to march higher. Ha ha! I find myself checking out legs of band leader, but then realise that he is probably gay.
Tomorrow we have outing to swimming pool complex! I hope I can find swimming trunks, but if not, at least we are all guys here!
Cha Ni Gao shaved his legs @3:20 PM
"People of the world, unite and defeat the US aggressors and all their running dogs! People of the world, be courageous, dare to fight, defy difficulties and advance wave upon wave. Then the whole world will belong to the people. Monsters of all kinds shall be destroyed!" - Chairman Mao, People of the World, Unite and Defeat the US Aggressors and All Their Lackeys, 2nd edition, page 14
My name is Cha Ni Gao. I am 13 and I study at the Chinese High School. I enjoy mathematics and wayang music. When I grow up I want to be a student, but not like those they killed at Tiananmen.
On the advice of my friends and lawyer, I've been advised to put a disclaimer here. The above work is purely satire and is in no way reflective of the Chinese High School and/or their students. Chinese people are not dirty and smelly. Most of them anyway. Thanks to the readers and to blogskins.com for the design